Every day you age and every day you fail.

I haven't really posted anything serious on here for awhile. And I'm not sure if I intend to do so today or not. Today is more of a casual laugh at my past. I have been reading my blog the past few days and I just can't help but scoff at my "strife". I don't know myself as well as I should and for each day that passes I fall farther behind and the trail gets longer.
Some of the harsh truths I seem to realize from re-reading these posts are hard to swallow. I realize now just how desperate I am for both companionship and solitude. In my mind I believe things would be easier if I were all on my own. Being on my own I could achieve my dreams and get to where I need to be to have the companionship I so desire. But in my heart, every waking moment without another person by my side is a gap between happiness and sheer joy. When I lack love, I lust after it or I chase it by doing something spontaneous and foolish. Henry was my true show of that. In the depths of sorrow and self pity, I captured him for my comfort and, though I have doted on him, I know I wasn't ready for him and that I could have very well ruined both of our lives with my whimsical heart. And that was not my first or last heart-attack (as I so dub my foolish love adventures). But I pushed this one to it's envelope...and everything worked out, as everything in life always does. Something I never really believed, but this time i didn't give up and it proved true. I can't help but regret not trusting that in the past, because if I had known that everything would always work itself out, I would have stayed as long as I could with the ones that I loved. I wouldn't have feared my ineptitude. I might have even started to trust myself. But it wasn't until Henry that I truly believed that and I am relieved that I discovered it with Henry instead of my usual prey...
Men.
Which is a large and poorly scripted part of my life that I wish I could rip out of my biography. There was a point right after high school when I discovered something that changed my whole mind set. I used to be so interested in the world, the way it worked, the future, God and religion and how I fit in. There used to be so much mystery in the world to me. But when I thought it through, I realized that the reason for our existence is love. We were born for it and family is the ultimate purpose of that love. It explains everything and embodies everything. And the things I was doing were pushing that very purpose away (not that I remedied that with anything I changed or did...in fact only made it worse). I decided I would change and get my life straight and start believing in love.
I wasn't ready for love.
I got my life in order and I fell in love, but I never could believe in it. It's really hard for me to trust anyone...or even myself. I could never trust Jeremy. Kent scared the sh*t out of me, he could see me and he seemed to know me better than I knew myself...and he still loved me. With all my faults, the ones he glazed over, I couldn't love myself so how would he ever stay in love with me. I couldn't do right by him, I made one mistake after another and did things I knew I wasn't ready for because I loved him and I wanted everything we could be in that moment. He was so still in his life, a rock on the side of the road that was in-between destinations and he was perfectly happy as such. Changing was foreign to him and he refused to round his corners and roll out to his sunset rather he would wait for it to reach him. He was always there. Always there for me. I came to trust that....and in the end....that's what drove me away. I depended on him and that and when things came up that threatened to move me from his rock a fear crept inside of me, I couldn't loose him, but if something happened...I could trust that everything would work out...or I could run away. I trusted Kent, but I couldn't trust myself not to mention God.
So I ran, without giving him a good reason or even really a reason at all. I spilled out concerns and age old nitpicks. But I only loved one third of the relationship. I loved him. I didn't love God or myself. And there was nothing he could do or was doing to change that. My relationship with him had pushed me out of that order and not in a good way. Not in a way I could handle and not in a way I could trust. I couldn't lean on myself or on God. All I had was him...I was dependent on only him...and that wasn't enough.
I love being self sufficient and I hate being dependent. But I am certainly not in control of myself and my life, leaving me dependent. Yet, I refuse dependence whenever possible. All of this leaves me in this no-man's-land that is getting me no where. I see now that I am just a selfish dependent as the combination. An ugly urgul-like morphing that leaves me ashamed of everything I do.
These last few years have been just such. A prolonged pity party, where all of the rage-cooked meat is gone and all that is left is the twice-too-sour lemonade. The guests have either left, are leaving or are sitting in the corner shaking their heads waiting for me to push them out myself. I complain about the music, but I never change it and when others try I yell and throw things. I mean, seriously, this is the worst party I've every been too. AND I'M THROWING IT. Sheesh.
(...and this is why I am supposed to write on my blog. This is what I'm supposed to write. This is what DFIS is all about. Never loosing sight of your inner voice. Because, Hey Inner Voice, you are way smarter than the grey beard I've got upstairs. It's like gandalf the grey verses gandalf the white, the latter is clearly better!)
I'm still not ready for love. There are still things I can't understand or refuse to. I still don't completely love myself and I certainly haven't patched up myself with The On High yet. But I'm getting closer and now I trust that things will always work out, no matter how retarded I am. And so why should I keep hiding and waiting. I'm not ready for love in it's fullness, but I can take steps with it. And steps are what I'm taking. Henry was a foolish leap, but it was just enough to give me the faith to take more steps.
I can't have a husband and a family, an amazing realtionship with God and self worth to match myself.
But I don't have to wait to receive them as a bulk package, I can start picking and assembling the pieces.
So here goes.
Wish me luck.
And if there are readers out there, please shout out to my stupid pity posts. I'm sick of this lemonade.

I've Been Busy...and I've Been Loved.

Is it sad that I only use this blog in extreme situations? In moments of happiness, confusion or fear? I've had so much love in my life recently, that I've been busy and those high emotions I've needed to purge from my system have been released to others instead of here.
I'd say that's a good thing.
I have my Henry (The Love Of My Life!!!), he's grown so big and is still getting bigger. He eats anything you put in your hand and yet, he's only thrown up once. I love him more than anything. But with my job we don't spend enough time together and that bugs me...but oh well, it won't last long.
I also have Jace (My Wonderful Boyfriend). He's been there for me through everything. I don't know how he does it or why he does it, but he always makes me happy. There are no cares in our relationship. No big worries, no fights, no ground. Which is perfect, it's what I needed. Nothing TOO serious, but then again, serious enough. Perfect. I didn't really realize just how much I care for him until he started leaving for Afghanistan. I mean he's still in Texas, but I still feel like I've lost part of him and it hurts. And that's how I know I love him. Sweet pain, the realization of feeling.
I'm going to Mike Birbigs with Beth tonight because of her AWESOME birthday present! :D I'm super excited! He's my favorite comedian at the moment! Can't get enough of his "Sleepwalk With Me"! And now this show is called "My Girlfriends Boyfriend"....YEAH!!! I was like "WAT?!", so it pretty much has to be awesome!
I've just purchased a new domain name for a new project I have in the works. I'll let you in on it once I get it started...not that there is anyone to let it on it. (HI NONEXISTENT READERS!) It's pretty wicked awesome I think. I just have to figure out how to market it. So, like i said, we'll see.
da da dum..
swoosh...
I have nothing else to say...
rawr...
okiday...
well, ttyl...
peace...
take luck...
Love Brdeeds!

Henry!

PUPPY!

Yesterday, I got a puppy. A mix between a black lab and…something else, lol! The lady at Petsmart would remember. I used my pay check to buy him for $100. I know, I know. I’m in debt. Lots of it. Some $2,800 and yet, if I didn’t get him, I don’t think I would ever make it to repaying that. I could have scrimped and saved and got a pet after I was financially secure, that would make so much more sense. But when I saw the puppies for sale sign on the corner across the street from petsmart on my way to walmart to cash my pay check for a measly $180 I knew that no matter what they looked like, no matter the cost, I was going to get a puppy today. I was pregnant in my heart and I knew that no matter what came out of it, I would love it to the ends of the earth.  I need this puppy, this co-dependent love, this happiness. I’ve been running myself into the ground with doubt and fear, not caring what happens to me. Now I have a baby, a love that I can’t let down, no matter how much I hate myself. I need to support him, get him his shots and food, take him out so he can see the world and all of its wonders  because he’s still young and curious and doesn’t know everything yet. He’s learning. Maybe I’ll learn from him. I already promised him we were going to San Francisco. :P And I can’t wait. We’ll go to moab together next year for sure. Who knows we might even go somewhere this fall. I’m going to make things work for him. Beth and her family are perfect for teaching me how to take care of him and train him. But soon we’re going to want a place of our own. Or maybe a roommate….Jace? I can’t wait for him to see him! I’m going to trip him up and tell him that I was pregnant and that I miscarried and had a puppy instead of a baby. ^_^ It’ll be hilarious! I can’t wait! FOR THIS FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I CAN’T WAIT FOR SOMETHING OUT OF EXCITEMENT! :D I just want to drive up to his house right now and exclaim my happiness!

I still don’t know what to name him? He has a bit of red in him, and the guy at the pet store at the check out desk said I should name him Rupert….and I kinda like it. But I don’t know if it fits him. Maybe Wash? LOL! I like the name wash, it kinda fits him. Simon wouldn’t work. I like Daniel as well, but then I’d call him danny or something and that reminds me of my grandpa…so obviously, no! Let’s think…which is hard since he’s crying from his kennel. I don’t know if I’ll make it through the night. I keep wondering if his paw is stuck or something and I want to check but if I check and it’s not he’ll cry even more when I leave him in there. L He’s going to make me cry. He just stopped. But he does that intermittently. So, names.

1.       Kafree? WC

2.       Mossie? WC

3.       Rupert? HP

4.       Nathan? MIS

5.       Junior? ROD

6.       Ethan? C.A.D.

7.       GEORGE! Geo for short!!! :D :P ?

I kinda like the last one. My laptops name is George. Lol! I name everything George when I don’t know what to name it….but I LOVE GEO! :D I think it fits. :P But we’ll see.

One Again

She had gone through the basement and was already out into the forest, I could see her heart beating through her face, the branches holding me back from helping to slow it back into her chest. “I can’t make it,” I cried down to her from my prison above. The deck of the house was surrounded by purposefully formed trees that created a primitive boundary to the forest below. “You have to jump!” I called back in desperation, “He’s coming! He’ll never let you go!” If she didn’t come down, I would never see her again. For this reason I couldn’t run, I couldn’t live without her, she was my life; imprisonment was worth her touch. “It’s too far,” the words were as butterflies gassed in flight with only screams escaping their lips as they fell. My fear permeated into the fence of trees and caused their limbs to twist around my body, chaining me to the height and to my hopelessness. “BBRIGGITTA!” I elongated her name, praying that it would bridge the way between us and create a rope of hope for her to climb down.

It was too late.

His frame cut a new one within that of the door. The breadth of light between the two was too small to slip through. His figure taunted me with its mortality as though that very fact made him just as fragile as I was, as though humanity was a natural part of him. Time had stopped and so had his youthful aging. The old man from the house was now the man in flesh that I had known, a nineteen year old wall, but his thoughts were still trapped ahead. He was no longer a wall of protection, but one of entrapment. For some reason this is where he felt most secure, back in this body and 1940’s architecture. The question was, what did this security do to his power? Would this make him stronger? Would he win?

There was no strength put into his surroundings now, it was all directed to his steps. Those slow calculated steps toward me forced safety closer and closer to me, until the only safety’s only refuge was within myself, a shield I would have to wield as a sword in order to escape. But I didn’t have her strength, her faith or her love with me and so I lowered myself behind the shield and prepared myself for the first blow. “STAY AWAY FROM HER!” Brigitta called down from the tree, “IT’S ME YOU WANT!” Brigitta was taunting him with her sincerity and beauty, the qualities he always praised. His altered gaze provided the perfect distraction, I could disappear, but there was no way to her, there was only the way behind me without her. So I dropped my shield, facing the army of man in front of me with a smirk, for even through the torture I would keep her safe. He would never touch her. She was the one thing he couldn’t scare out, buy out or love out. She was mine.

His form shifted into readiness for attack.

She jumped…

From the topmost tower of trust and landed safely in my arms. Her love so strong it forced him back with more strength than any shield. I embraced her until she was absorbed back into me and away from his grasp. She was back inside of me and the moment rushed everything back to reality, his magic had failed.

Yet, he still stood above me in triumph as though he had the key to the happiness inside of myself.

Little did he know that I had changed the locks, he would never touch me again….

her again….

brigitta again….

myself.

…

He had one.

Won the one, he had me. 

I could hide her all I wanted, but he saw through my face and into the windows of my soul.

He had her.

No key was needed.

I could never lock her away without windows.

And windows are open doors.

“Brigitta?” she whimpered from inside of me.

“Hush love,” I reassured her through my tears, “We are one again.”

-oOo-

The realization of insanity is death in it’s most brutal form. It’s nothing you can change or help that completely removes that person from your known reality, replacing them with an alien-like parasite that you cannot even begin to understand. Yet, you know that somewhere underneath it all is the one you love. You can only have hope that their soul is given the illusion of happiness for they are certainly not given the rest or peace of death. When dwelling upon others insanity I imagine the soul forced into a room completely empty of life, love and reality, where they have knowledge that someone else has possessed their life and has been given trusting access to all that they love.

It’s different when you experience it. Insanity is not an absence of reality, knowledge or love. Insanity is another interpretation of the world, feelings and understanding. Both of us are sitting in a room across from a painting:

You see a man and his cat in a boat fishing with delicate and serene colors of calm and sincerity all captured in a framed and endless moment.

I feel waves and watch my friend on the beach laugh at another falling in the water as the salt air whispers around me insighting blissful invigoration a realistic moment of emotion and sensation.

We both see the painting, but you interpret the painting and I experience it. It’s another way of understanding a message. I’m not saying it is right…but I’m also not saying it is wrong.

Last night I was insane.

The above is my experience.

As well as the below.

-oOo-

A grandfather version of Kent had chased me all through the town and as we ran the chase forced his body to revert back to his younger self, the man I once knew, not in mind but in body. Time was altered by this event, moving backwards, as well, to keep from being ripped apart by this anomaly. And as I trapped myself at the back of this mansion, my very entity split into two separate bodies. I was free and yet I still held a piece of myself high above that could go no farther, that couldn’t force itself down to my level and leave all that we had. He knew that from my broken spirit, through my eyes, through my hopeless glances at the sky. He knew I wouldn’t leave. And even when she gave in and joined me, he could see in my eyes my unwillingness to leave. My fear. That is why he was triumphant.

But what I didn’t see was that so was I.

I was triumphant.

She had come down to me. We could go anywhere. Scared as I was.

And in the end, I left, with my fear and moved past him.

Brigitta, we are strong together, imperfections and limits included.

And though the dream concluded in defeat, life need not.

I love you darling, I will never leave you.

-Brigitta Rae

Horse Tears

Kent and I were amazing together…he made me happy…I thought I made him happy. I wanted to do everything for him, but I never could get it right.

And in the end…I got scared…because I saw our future.

I wanted him, but I didn’t want it.

I could have changed it, I guess…but I would have had to give up my dreams. Things would have been a day to day struggle. And in that case, there would have been regret…not necessarily resentment but regret close enough.

Kent has such a soft spirit: delicate, inviting and flowing.

I would have had to fight for him.

Just like jerry.

I have yet to do that. And now in both cases it is much much too late.

And so I cry…

For that is what you do for the dead.

God give me strength to one day fight for the truth, for the love and for the dream.

-Brigitta Rae

Music of the post: Get it Right (Glee Cast: Rachel Berry) and Almost Lover (A Fine Frenzy)

Gone

Blank walls hold no promise. Your mind is what creates the possibilities. And there are no possibilities if you move, moving does nothing. Moving is not change, moving does not create or destroy. The action itself is small and whimsical with fleeting effects. When you pick something up and put it in new place just the same as it was before, you have only halted progression on one road and set it on a path for one leading in the same direction.

My new house is too quiet, I can't sleep. My brothers snoring used to be everything I needed...now I play recordings at night just to feel like I'm not alone. Tonight I'm sleeping back at my parents house so I can share my parents bed with my dog tonight. No one is home, just me and ella. But at least I don't feel as alone as before.

Today was possibly one of the worst days of my life. I wont go into detail, because truthfully, I don't want to remember any of it. But I will tell you that the night ended with crashing into someones mail box and then leaving them my contact information. -sigh- Oh and I kept Kent up as I cried about these pains that I can't even express...

This girl needs to be stronger or softer, she can't stay the way she is.

It would be so easy to run away. Too easy.

So, it's not going to happen.

This is me. I am strong. There is no retreat.